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Quickies

Q - What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

A - Wipe his arse.

~~ooOoo~~

Q - What do you call a man with no legs in the sea?

A - Bob.

~~ooOoo~~

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

~~ooOoo~~

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

~~ooOoo~~

Two cows standing next to each other in a field,

 Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

~~ooOoo~~

Answer phone message "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

~~ooOoo~~

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before.

~~ooOoo~~

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day

but I couldn't find any.

~~ooOoo~~

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

~~ooOoo~~

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

He was pulled under by a strong currant.

~~ooOoo~~

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.

~~ooOoo~~

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly;

but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all

that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

~~ooOoo~~

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

The police say that he topped himself.

~~ooOoo~~

Two peanuts walk into a bar.

One was a salted.

~~ooOoo~~

A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."

~~ooOoo~~

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.

A woman comes up to him and says, 'What are you supposed  to be?'

The man says, "A premature ejaculation".

"What?" says the woman.

The man says, "I've just come in my pants."

~~ooOoo~~

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

~~ooOoo~~

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

~~ooOoo~~

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac

under his arm and says, "Pint please and one for the road."

~~ooOoo~~

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

~~ooOoo~~

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.

 The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

~~ooOoo~~

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.

 "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove."

~~ooOoo~~

Q. Who said "Shiver me timbers" on the ghost ship?
A. The skeleton crew.
 

~~ooOoo~~

Q. What is a horse's favourite game?
A. Stable tennis.
 


 

~~ooOoo~~

Q. What is a crocodile's favourite game?
A. Snap.
 

~~ooOoo~~

Q. Where did the man get his second hand?
A. From the second hand shop.
 

~~ooOoo~~

Q. How do ducks dance?
A. Slow slow quack quack slow.
 

~~ooOoo~~

Q. How do you recognise a daft man in a car wash?
A. He's the one on the bike.
 

~~ooOoo~~

Knock Knock
"Who's there?"
Banana

Knock knock
"Who's there?"
Banana

Knock knock
"Who's there?"
Banana

Knock knock
"Who's there?"
Banana

Knock knock
"Who's there?"
"Orange "
"Orange who?"
Orange you glad I did not say banana.
 

~~ooOoo~~

Q. What gets wet when it dries?
A. A towel
 

~~ooOoo~~

"Dad, there's a man with a bill outside."
"Don't be silly, it's a duck with a hat on."
 

~~ooOoo~~

Q. What goes bong bong?
A. A spring cabbage
 

~~ooOoo~~

Q. Where does Tarzan get his clothes from?
A. The jungle sale

~~ooOoo~~

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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I am not the author of these jokes, and do not claim to own any copyright privileges to them. I assume them to be widely available in the public domain, and I do my best not to use copyrighted material.  If you know any good jokes or funny stories etc. and want to share them, then email them to                         submit a joke

If they are not copyrighted, offensive, abusive, or of a discriminatory nature I may use them.

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