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 A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it. 

 A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind. 

 After meeting you, Iíve decided I am in favour of abortion. 

 All that you are you owe to your parents. Why donít you send them a penny and square the account? 

 Alone: In bad company. 

 Any friend of yours ... is a friend of yours. 

 Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental! 

 Anyone who told you to be yourself couldnít have given you worse advice. 

 Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion? 

 Are your parents siblings? 

 As an outsider, what do you think of the human race? 

 Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up. 

 Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner. 

 Brains arenít everything. In fact, in your case theyíre nothing! 

 Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. 

 Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation?

Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?  

 Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid? 

 Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home? 

 Do you ever wonder what life would be like if youíd had enough oxygen at birth? 

 Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea. 

 Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you? 

 Doesnít know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesnít know the meaning of most words. 

 Donít get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance? 

 Donít let your mind wanderóitís too little to be let out alone. 

 Donít mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match. 

 Donít you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull? 

 Donít you love nature, despite what it did to you? 

 Donít you realise that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another? 

 Ever since I saw you in your family tree Iíve wanted to cut it down. 

 Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege. 

 Excellent time to become a missing person. 

 For two cents Iíd give you a piece of my mind - and all of yours. 

 Go ahead; tell them everything you know. Itíll only take 10 seconds.

 Has the IQ of lint.  

 He comes from a long line of real estate people; theyíre a vacant lot.

He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and Curly. 

 He has a mind like a steel trapóalways closed! 

 He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow. 

 He is always lost in thoughtóitís unfamiliar territory. 

 He is dark and handsome. When itís dark, heís handsome. 

 He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 

 He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot. 

 Heíd steal the straw from his motherís kennel.  

 Heís got that far away look. The farther he gets, the better he looks.  

 Heís just visiting this planet.  

 Heís not stupid; heís possessed by a retarded ghost. 

 Heís so short he can sit on a piece of toilet paper and dangle his feet.  

 Heís the first in his family born without a tail.

  Heís the reason brothers and sisters shouldnít marry.

  Hi! Iím a human being! What are you?

 His brainwaves fall a little short of the beach.

 His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

 His origins are so low, youíd have to limbo under his family tree.

 His personalityís split so many ways he goes alone for group therapy.

 I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter but now I see you are not worth it!

 I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you WERE dead.

 I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that youíve never used it.

 I bet your mother has a loud bark!

 I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.

 I donít know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

 I donít mind that you are talking so long as you donít mind that Iím not listening.

 I donít think you are a fool. But then whatís MY opinion against thousands of others?

 I donít want you to turn the other cheek. Itís just as ugly.

 I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.

 I hear the only place youíre ever invited is outside.

 I hear what youíre saying but I just donít care.

 I hear you are an officer. Your rank is - just plain rank!

 I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club cause they need someone to snub.

 I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?

 I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

 I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!

 I heard that your brother was an only child.

 I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

 I know you are nobodyís fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

 I know youíre a self-made man. Itís nice of you to take the blame!

 I know youíre not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!

 I like you. People say Iíve no taste, but I like you.

 I like your approach, now letís see your departure.

 I reprimanded my son for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.

 I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

 I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

 I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.

 I worship the ground that awaits you.

 I would have liked to insult you, but with your intelligence you wouldnít get offended.

 I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.

 Iíd like to give you a going-away present...but you have to do your part.

 Iíd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

 Iíd like to leave you with one thought...but Iím not sure you have a place to put it!

 Iíd like to see things from your point of view but I canít seem to get my head that far up my ass.

 Iíd love to go out with you, but my favourite commercial is on TV.

 Iíd rather pass a kidney stone than another night with you.

 Iíd slap you senseless...but I canít spare 2 seconds!

 If brains were rain, youĎd be a desert.

 If I had a face like yours, Iíd sue my parents!

 If I promise to miss you, will you go away? If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, Iím glad.

 If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

 If manure were music, youíd be a brass band.

 If stupidity were fast food, youíd have an arch over your head.

 If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!

 If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldnít be murder; it would be genocide!

 If what you donít know canít hurt you, sheís practically invulnerable.

 If you act like an ass, donít get insulted if people ride you.

 If you donít like my opinion of you - improve yourself!

 If you had another brain like the one youíve got, youíd still be a half-wit.

 If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

 If idiocy were water, youíd be a kiddie pool.

 If you were twice as smart, youíd still be stupid.

 If your brain were chocolate, it wouldnít fill an M&M.

 Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.

 Iíll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.





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I am not the author of these jokes, and do not claim to own any copyright privileges to them. I assume them to be widely available in the public domain, and I do my best not to use copyrighted material.  If you know any good jokes or funny stories etc. and want to share them, then email them to                         submit a joke

If they are not copyrighted, offensive, abusive, or of a discriminatory nature I may use them.

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